I just realized that I'd posted a bunch of great one-liners to my Twitter feed
but hadn't added to my signature quote file
. I'd forgotten a bunch of these jokes, so I'm glad to see Twitter is solving the role of my mom's "Write it down!" pleas from my youth.
You can play a really believable game of "The Floor is Lava" in Hawaii.
Ask me what's the hardest part of investing. What's the har... Timing!
You gotta fight / for your right / To ferrrrrrment - The Yeasty Boys
The incoming call said "unknown number," but I don't know how that could be: I've memorized all the digits from 0 to 9.
Ornithography: The study of V shapes in the sky.
I got a toy alien with some assembly required. When I put it together it said "We come in pieces."
What do you call a troubadour who can play the lute without hands? No holds bard.
The little self-esteem engine that could.
Who makes the best Indian tacos? A Sioux chef.
It's a bold! It's a serif! It's digbatman!
Mallard abduckted. Fowl play suspected.
So tell me... are you a coelaCAN or a coelaCANTH?
Castling is the chess equivalent of the quarterback scramble.
Nipples are a child's first user interface.
I really hope somoene has a writing program for inmates called "Prose and Cons."
A cat holding a sign that says "9 Lives Matter"
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / 192.168.1.2 / His IP is my IP too
My imaginary friend lives at 127.0.0.2
In the land of the blinds the Venetian is king.
The process of opening and setting up a new Apple product is delightful and elegant until you get to the Software License Agreement.
After the State of the Union comes the Principality of the Dominion. A bear managing mutual funds
would probably overinvest in agricultural commodities for fall delivery.
Someone should make bumper stickers for New York that say "Maybe honking will help."
My cat loves when it's wet outside and dry inside. When it rains, it purrs.
They should have a Tour de Portland where at each stage the couriers pick up a different bulky package for delivery on the next stage.
Cat food flavors: beef, chicken, salmon. Why not mouse, sparrow, or goldfish? That's what they really want to eat.
Cats are both soft and sharp, yin and yang.
I'm noodling around on a jazz piece by Sun Ramen.
All my exes blocked my textes.
If you think stereotypes are bad, wait until you hear how inaccurate my monotypes are.
Some say if you're not paying then you are the product. Yet also: if you get paid for your work then you are the product.
Function, method, procedure, routine. Why don't any programming languages have maneuvers?
Thank you bishop, but the king already castled!
Thank you Mario, but the princess is the protagonist in her own feature film!
Professors gonna profess.